Category — Parenthood

Dubs started preschool today. (Beck>Becker Boy>Double B>Dubs)
He has been beyond excited. He said, “How ’bout when you take me there you just drop me off and not come inside with me?”
I think he wants to be just like the big brothers. At first, this seemed fine. I dropped him off, kissed him, and left for my two point five hours of mama time. I stopped at the grocery store straight away, and as I was walking inside all alone, my eyes, on their own accord and without my permission, started to cry. I was like, what is this? Have I not been waiting for this? Anxiously awaiting even?
I came home to a very empty house, very quiet, totally calm.
It was so depressing.
Apparently, I’m never happy.

Here’s how it went down.
I thought it would be a good idea to take pictures of the boys on the first day of school in front of the actual school.
Didn’t know this was totally embarrassing.
So, Fish made us hide behind a portable to take the photo, and even then, he was all, “What? This is a smile! Take the picture Mom!”

“I’m serious! This is a real smile.”

“That’s it. I’m out. I’m done with this whole scene.”

So, I say, “Ok, Tate, my new favorite child. Smile for momma.”

Kelly D. steps in and explains that this is the kind of crap moms live for, and if he’ll just cooperate, we can all get on with our lives.

Still mad.

Next up, Kelly D. off camera busting out his best get a kid to smile routine. It’s a good routine too, people. The Fish is one tough customer.

“Are you kidding me with this act? Is this what you do for a living, man? Weak sauce!”

“You’re seriously making me do this?” (sigh)

“Ok. You better get this one Mom, this is as good as it’s going to get.”

I think maybe next year, we’ll take pictures at home like we usually do. Which, incidentally, I did when they came home from school.

That’s more like it.

I am ugly today.
And, it’s coming from the inside.
I wake up thinking, today will be different. I will not yell. I will speak only kind words.
I will hold it together.
But then they ________________________.
And I’m right back here.
I hate my ugly mom voice.
I see my reflection as I pass a mirror and I’m scowling.
I say this to my children:
“you can only control your own behavior.”
“don’t let their actions affect your attitude.”
“rise above it.”
Words!
I am all preach and no practice.
I am supposed to be the grown-up. The example.
Boy, are we in trouble over here.

My mom called me yesterday and her greeting was the same as always… “What are ya doin’?”
Kelly D. thinks this is weird. It’s not, is it? This is how my family starts all phone correspondence. I like it because I need the visual, I like to be able to picture the person on the other end of the phone in context. Also, I like to know if I’m interrupting something, so I know whether to get right to the point or if I am free to make small talk.
(I am actually physically unable to be brief. I am a woman of many words.)
Anyway.
She said, “What are ya doin’?” and I replied, “Enduring to the end.”
I am dying over here, you guys. DYING.
I have run out of patience and loving kindness a little over a week too early because school doesn’t start until the 23rd.
This is a cry for help.
Help!
I cried about my plight today, you guys. Like, with tears and stuff. I won’t even tell you why because honestly, it could have been anything. Anything would have set it off.
Yesterday, my sweet friend Barbara was here for a visit and I may or may not have yelled at The Fish right in front of her. I think I had her snowed into thinking I was a nice mom, too. But, I suppose the truth was bound to come out sooner or later.
In my defense, though. The yelling was not without cause. She was all dressed up pretty and Josh let Nelly in the house (defying a direct order) and of course she came bounding in with wet paws, made a beeline for Barbara and jumped right up on her lap where she sat, put her paws on her chest and knocked her backward so she hit her head on the window.
Justified, no?
I’m going to spend tonight mustering up the will I need to carry on for the rest of the summer. If you need me, I’ll be the one sucking my thumb in the corner.

We have this thing we do just before school starts each year. We take each of the boys school clothes shopping one at a time and make a fun event. It’s just one kid with mom and dad. After shopping, we go out to dinner to the restaurant of their choosing and then get an ice cream cone or some sort of treat.
Tonight, we took Beck because he is starting preschool and he needed some new clothes too. He really seemed to dig the special treatment. He loved picking out new underwear (Spiderman!), shirts and even new shoes (no Spiderman shoes…Sansom’s don’t do character shoes, if you ask the boys why they’ll tell you “character shoes are cheesy”, because truly, they are. I’ve taught them well.)
Beck made us laugh several times with his funny little Beck-ism’s. Like the time when Kelly D. teased him about something and then Beck said, “You’re dead to me.” and then informed us that just means I’m not playing with you anymore.
Or, when he falls and scrapes his knee and says, “Mom! I’m bleeding out!” Who says that?

After the shopping was done, we headed to Wendy’s. I tried to sell him on something other than fast food, but you can’t really talk a kid out of a kid’s meal prize and chicken nuggets. We played I Spy and chatted some more. Isn’t it funny how delightful kids can be when you’re with them one-on-one, but the minute they get with their siblings they all sprout horns, their eyes go blood red and their voices sound like demons?
No?
Oh, well, maybe that’s just mine.

Anyway, after it was all over, we were heading home from our fun evening together, Beck said how much he likes his cool, new clothes and then he said to me, “Mom, when we get home I’m going to rub lotion on your feet.”
That, my friends, is what I like to call a win-win.

Last night the boys and I had our summertime sleep-out-in-a-tent and tell scary stories while eating popcorn and swedish fish extravaganza. It was fun. But like last year, I had a terrible nights sleep. Worth it, though. Definitely worth it. The heat made it hard to fall asleep. It was really hot. Like, Africa hot. The boys all took their shirts off and we all slept without blankets.
I told them some really scary stories. Some I made up, some I retold, but I tried to tell the Tell Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe. I didn’t do it justice, but they seemed freaked out just the same.
This morning, three shirtless boys sauntered into the house to play while they waited for me to make their breakfast. Who knows what they do downstairs when I send them down to play, really. I pretend we don’t even have a downstairs most of the time, because it’s so messy and it overwhelms me to think of cleaning it. But this morning they were wrestling or some other equally loud/destructive activity.
When I called them up to breakfast, I saw this…

They have all drawn “six packs” on their stomachs with a sharpie.
Beck said, “We’re playing tough guys.”
Right, well, that makes perfect sense then.

My first two kids are shy. It’s just the way it is. Number one is more shy than number two, but neither of them do much to call attention to themselves. They are always hesitant about anything new. You get the picture.
Enter Beck.
He is the exact opposite of his brothers. I know I have mentioned before that he will talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. He rolls down car windows to yell greetings at people on the street, he chats up cashiers in stores where we shop, he just never stops talking. Like, ever.

I took pictures of my friend’s daughter the other day, and he was flirting with her the whole time. “Watch this Jensyn”, he said. “I can do a run-walk.” Or, “Look at my strong arms.” As I was giving her directions on where to stand for the next photo, Beck again called for her attention. “Hey, Jensyn….” and then he simply struck this pose and smiled at her like the cheshire cat.

Yesterday, we were running into the grocery store in between the boys swimming lessons. They were wet and had their swimming suits on. Tate whined, “Mom! Can’t I stay in the car? I don’t wanna go in my swimming suit, everyone will look at me!”
Beck’s face lit up and without hesitation, he said, “Well, I’m coming in. I love it when people look at me!”
And that pretty much sums up his personality at the age of four.

Sometimes I am quick to judge him harshly when he mistreats his brothers, or when he is so annoyed by everyone in our family that he walks around like a storm cloud waiting to dump his mood like rain and thunder on anyone who looks at him funny. I always wonder what is wrong with this boy?
So yesterday, after much thought and prayer, I went to sleep thinking that maybe it was time for him to have his own room.

When I woke up this morning, I had the most sure feeling that it was the right way to go. I sat straight up in bed and thought to myself, What if I could never escape? What if there was always someone asking me what I’m doing, where I’m going, or someone insisting I share everything I have with my siblings? What if I never had any time to myself?

I realized that my oldest boy is more like me than I thought. He was beyond excited to make the switch and truth be told, so were the other two boys. They can’t wait to be roommates.

So, why am I sad?
Because my littlest boy, my baby for all intents and purposes is sleeping so far away from me. He has left that sweet little room that I painted and decorated just for him while anticipating his arrival. And he did it without hesitation.
I asked him if he would be sad to be so far away from mom and he told me, “No. Tate will be with me, so you don’t need to worry about me.” And then I think he could tell I was sad, so he added, “But I’ll still visit you sometimes.”
Which is all I can really ask for, I guess.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that my face hurts from smiling every time we leave karate class.

Four year old Beck wearing this get up, standing in ‘fighting stance’ while making ‘tiger eyes’ is just about all I can handle.

I had a hair appointment yesterday, so I dropped Beck off at this place called the Buddy Bin. It’s like an always-available babysitter, complete with friends, toys and lunch if you want. I decided to ride my bike to pick him up because the trip home includes a hill that scares me a little and I wanted to find out what I’m made of. Incidentally that hill kicked my butt, but I made it to the top anyway.
Anyway, on my way to get him, it started to hail. Hail! So now I’m squinting so I can see my way through the ice-filled sky as I flew down the hill that would later kick my butt. Psht. Utah weather.
Beck and I decided to wait out the hail storm by having lunch at a nearby sandwich shop. He had already eaten at the Buddy Bin, so I bought myself and sandwich, and him a cookie. We sat down to eat and chatted about our time apart.
It was quite pleasant. He said, “Mom, what did you do while I was at the Buddy Bin?” I told him I got my hair cut (even though it was fake hair maintenance) He said it looked the same.
I asked him about his play time and then there were a few minutes of silence between us. I was thinking it felt like we were on a little date and I liked that very much.
Then, to break the silence (maybe he felt awkward?), my four year old Beck said, “So…..how’s that sandwich treating you?”

I just wanted to remember that because I chuckled about it all day long.

Yesterday was one of those days when I wake up and don’t sit down until it’s time for bed.
Get boys to school
Finish tagging jewelry
Load truck with boutique display
Set up at boutique
DRIVE
Do photo shoot at studio
DRIVE
Back to boutique to finish display
DRIVE
This brings me to the part where I feed my family. Kelly D. was shooting a reception, so it’s just me and the boys (or da boyz) and since we’re on the opposite end of the valley from home, we decide to hit V.I. (you know, Village Inn) My friend Erin lives in that end of the world, so she brought her three kids and met me and my three kids at the restaurant.
We’re sitting in side by side booths, me and my crew in one, her and her crew in the other. The sounds from the Sansom booth went something like this, Please don’t saw the table with your knife. Beck, don’t drink the syrup. Stop hitting your brother! Why are you ripping up the menu? Use your inside voice, please.
The sounds coming from my friends booth consisted of crayons on paper, breathing, and that ‘ching’ sound that happens when her kids look at each other and the light gleams from their teeth when they flash the angelic smiles.
So, my thought is that Erin needs to teach a parenting class.

Near the end of our meal, I offer The Fish a dollar to consume a spoonful of Tobasco sauce. Why? Well, because it was sitting on the table. I know this kid and he’ll do anything for money, so he agrees and I’m entertained for a minute while his face turns the color of a tomato and his eyes begin to water. My amusement ends when he starts to give the universal sign for I’mGoingToVomit. There goes $3.49.
While The Fish is losing his dinner in the bathroom (actually it was pancakes, but that’s not important) Beck is playing with the Tobasco sauce and spills some on the table. Tate touches this mess and then rubs his eyes.
So now we’ve got Tobasco sauce in the eye emergency. Right then the waiter appears and asks if there’s anything else he can get for us. “Um, yes please. Glass of water and a stack of napkins…. STAT.”

What was happening in my friend’s booth all this time? Kids eating their meals without mess or incident, a bit of laughing at my little circus, pleasant dinner time chit-chat, and I think they might have joined hands and sang Kumbayah, but I can’t be sure, I was a little busy.

But in retrospect, some of this might have been my fault.

This is the cup from the boys’ bathroom with a dandelion in it.

This is the boy who steals my heart nearly everyday.

He picks me flowers
Chubby fists, proud smile, bright eyes
Then back to mischief.

We’re going to California on Friday and for the last couple of months I keep telling the boys they should do some extra chores to earn money to spend while we’re there. They nod their heads enthusiastically and tell me that for sure when they get home from school they’ll do some work. But, then when the time comes, they both just say they’re too tired or maybe tomorrow. And any money they already had is spent the second we enter a store that sells any form of Legos.
Yesterday, since there was no school, I decided to do an all-day cleaning fest over here. They agreed that it was the perfect day to earn some extra money.
I made a list of jobs that I’ve been wanting to have done and assigned each of them a dollar (or cents) value.
They got to choose what they wanted to do, and we worked all morning until lunch time.
I took everyone out to lunch and treated them to a Lemon Meltaway cookie from Cutlers. (HEAVEN!)
Then it was back to work. But to make it more fun, this time we played a game called ‘double or nothing’ and even though that title makes no sense, it works like this: You pick your job first, then you draw a paper out of a bowl upon which I have written things like, Double the value, Mom helps, chew bubble gum while you work, pick the music while you work, high five when you’re done… you get the idea.
If you draw a double the value, a job worth two dollars is suddenly worth four. Nobody really wanted the high five, or the paper that said, “Big kiss from Mom” but when The Fish got that one, he took the kiss anyway and went to work.
It was a fun day for a day filled with nothing but cleaning. We worked until dinner time and man, my house is so clean.
So, what I’m saying is, if you ever wanted to stop by for a visit, now is the time. We are accepting visitors with open arms.

It was posed to me like this:
What do I do for happiness, peace and joy on a daily basis?
My original response went like this…
I create. I am still. I go outside.

I know that seems overly simple, but that is my formula.
And, here is the part I’m admitting to you all:
I didn’t even think of the kids first.

How much I love my kids goes without saying. I could elaborate about the little things they do that put a smile on my face, or tell you about how it makes my heart sing when they show love to each other. I could share stories of sweet moments that make everything worthwhile. I could tell you how motherhood is such a joy and how I savor each moment with my kids, but the truth is, they drive me bonkers so much of the time. I think it’s great that some people find their greatest happiness in their role as mother. If we’re talking about the big picture, then I think I could put myself into that category, but, I don’t live in the big picture. I live in a teeny-tiny picture. And, on a day to day basis… being a mom is a huge sacrifice.
Does that make me sound awful?
Well, if it does, then I’m awful. Motherhood is truly a refiner’s fire for me. My character flaws are on constant parade before my eyes. I struggle to just be nice to my kids on some days. Many days.

I sometimes feel like the world is leaving me behind. I feel downright jealous that there are “mom photographers” that seem to be able to have it all and manage just fine. And, I mean like, real, eat at my gut jealousy. I miss that world so much. But, I am at peace with my choice.
I miss freedom! I look forward to alone time like a kid looks forward to Christmas. I miss being selfish with my time and energy. It’s hard when there are little boys demanding my attention at all hours of the day. It’s even irritating sometimes….much of the time.
And while I wouldn’t change one single thing about my life now, there are some things that I have to do in order to maintain sanity. There are a few things I need to do to keep myself happy and able to give these three boys a mother worthy and ready to raise their sweet little souls.
So, what I came up with is:
I create. I am still. I go outside.

And Shannon was right, a daily dose of Mountain Dew helps too.