A Memory
Today I found this picture of my friend, Bren.
I met him at a portrait studio I used to work at. He seemed odd to me at first, but after I broke through that hard-candy shell, he was all gooey and warm. I never get to talk to him anymore, and boy do I miss that guy.
Once, when we were working during the busy Christmas season I was sent to get lunch for everyone at the studio.
He was busy with clients, so I popped my head in to get his lunch order. He just waved his hand and said that he’d have whatever I was having. I thought that was a lot of pressure, and I was still undecided.
So, long story short; he got a hot fudge sunday for lunch. Not quite what he was expecting. The look of shock and puzzlement on his face is one of my favorite memories of him.
The best one, though is from years later. We were working together again, but at a different studio this time. A few of us went out to lunch together, to one of my favorite places in the avenues called Cucina. I treasure times in that place. The atmosphere is so fabulous, and the food is simple, but fantastic.
We had all come in the same car, with me in the back seat. On the way back, while everyone was chatting away, I heard a noise.
A noise that nobody wants to hear while trapped in a car with all the windows up.
Do we understand each other?
Okay, I’ll just say it. Someone passed gas. In the car. All the windows were up. Someone I am not related to. It was not quiet by any means either. It was the opposite of quiet.
And, it sounded wet. (so, sorry if that is offensive)
Nobody said anything, because I don’t know how you address that sort of thing with non-family members in a civilized way, and without sounding juvenille.
I’ll tell you how we addressed it. Avoidance.
But, I am in the back seat just dying. I have this thing. This condition. This problem with the power of my mind. It’s the reason I have trouble eating chicken if I’ve seen it’s body disassembled. It’s the reason I can’t eat at a restaurant that has ever appeared unsanitary in any way. My mind has power over me. I can’t make myself stop obsessing about whatever is grossing me out.
And, all I can think about is that the car is being filled with air that has passed through someone else’s…
Well, you get what I’m saying here. I’m sitting there thinking that any second now, that air is going to reach the back seat and I will be breathing it in.
Aside from snapping my mouth shut, I’m helpless.
Then it happened AGAIN!
I am about to lose it. Inside my own mind I am just screaming, are you kidding me?
After this one, though, Bren fessed up. He gave some story about how he hurt his back and he’s taking muscle relaxers and he really can’t control it.
While he’s apologizing, he did it AGAIN!
He smiled sheepishly, and said, “Sorry.”
Now, I am literally freaking out. I yelled to my friend who was driving to roll all the windows down. Social graces and barriers are all coming down. I just can’t take it anymore. That air is surrounding me on all sides!
Now, I’m hanging my upper body out the window, sucking in the fresh air. I just can’t worry about Bren’s feelings at this point.
It’s every man for himself.
While I’m hanging out the window, everybody in the car is dying laughing. They can hardly talk through the laughter. Bren is laughing especially hard, which causes him to befoul the air several more times.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going to hurl. I urgently told my friend to pull the car over, which she did.
And, needless to say, I was sick right there in the street.
When I was finished, and after my friends gained enough composure to speak, Bren held up a toy. It was a toy that made fart noises.
That’s right…a toy.
It was all a big joke.
There were no muscle relaxers, and no stinky air.
As I sat there stunned, I realized, that I never actually smelled anything.
It was just the thought of it that made me sick.
Literally, sick.
They laughed all the way back to the studio. I laughed a little, too.
But, I told them, since they made me lose mine, they owed me another Cucina lunch.
Their treat.
15 comments
I am laughing out loud, dying. What a funny story, both of them! Funny Kelly.
“…and it sounded wet.” I burst on that part and it continued till the end of the post… and beyond. Thanks for the comic relief! I guess I really appreciate it because of family experience as the “miss” among 5 brothers.
That is very, very funny. I am crying tears of laughter!
That is just as funny now as when you told me about it years ago!
Oh.
My.
Goodness!
I can’t stop laughing.
I love that story, maybe because I know one of the guilty party, but it’s so funny again.
Behold, the power of the mind! That is a fabulous story, and I hope you did indeed get a free lunch.
Wet. Lol
Oh my goodness. I am crying with laughter. I think I just got a little more insite on where Josh got his gag thing from. That story is too funny.
Just wanted you to know that I volunteered to do the mashed potatoes for the in-laws family gathering this year. And I’m usin’ your fabulous sweet potato recipe. They’re not going to know what hit them….
It’s been too long since I have laughed THAT hard. Thanks for that! You crack me up with how “real” you keep things.
you’re just full of all these great stories. just when i thought we’ve had the last one…you come up with something better.
I have laughed that hard in months. You are so great. I just keep laughing thinking of you with your head out the window I can see you doing that .
o.k. – since I was the 3rd party involved in this practical joke on Kelly – I have to finish the story. The first time Bren “pushed the button”, Kelly (in utter astonishment) said ” Dude – did you just fart??!! I seriously have never laughed so hard. Bren could keep a straight face and I was laughing so hard the tears were coming down my face! He kept going, I kept laughing and Kelly just threw up! It was a classic! However, the favorite part of the entire thing was when Bren came to work one day (a few days after the incident) and told us he had told the story at a family gathering and after he finished, HE GOT A STANDING OVATION!! I still laugh about that, I still think Kelly is a classic and I still miss Bren!
[...] Forgive me. It’s another post about flatulence. I swear that I have a grown-up sense of humor. I do. Really! But, having said that, I live with 4 boys. Come on! It’s bound to have some effect on me. Here’s what happened… Erin came over this afternoon to see what all this hype surrounding RockBand is all about. She came over to play. That girl took to it like a fish to water. It was awesome. So, we’re downstairs playing. The little guy was taking a nap. Our audience was made up of Tato (5), and Molly the dog. I’m the lead singer this time and she’s on guitar. She’s just wailing on it. Jumping up and down, head banging, the whole bit. I took a deep breath so I could belt out the next verse, and that’s when it hit me. It hit me hard. My first thought was that all of Erin’s jumping around had jarred this foul odor out of her body. I thought, “Oh, bless her stinky little heart. I’ll just muscle through and not embarrass her by letting her know that I’m wise to her stink.” So, I kept singing. Thinking that any minute, the smell would dissipate. I was wrong, people. The smell was gaining strength. I moved as far away as my microphone cord would allow. Pretending that I was dancing to the music. You know, really putting on a rock show. But that smell was EVERYWHERE! I couldn’t say anything now, because I thought, “Wow. She’s really got an intestinal problem here.” But, it just wasn’t getting any better. I even dry heaved once. No kidding. Finally, the song ended, and she turned to my dog and said, “Okay…is that smell coming from her???” I said, “Oh. My. Gosh. I thought it was you!” Then, we both just started laughing. Laughing so hard, it was difficult to speak. In between laughing and gasping for air, she kept saying, “That smell isn’t even human!” and then she said, “I thought when you were moving around you were going to turn off the game and run away from the smell, but you just kept singing so I thought maybe this happens a lot.” So funny. At least she didn’t think it was me, though. She gave me the benefit of the doubt. I could learn a little something about friendship from her. [...]
loved this one also…
Leave a Comment