My answer.
It was posed to me like this:
What do I do for happiness, peace and joy on a daily basis?
My original response went like this…
I create. I am still. I go outside.
I know that seems overly simple, but that is my formula.
And, here is the part I’m admitting to you all:
I didn’t even think of the kids first.
How much I love my kids goes without saying. I could elaborate about the little things they do that put a smile on my face, or tell you about how it makes my heart sing when they show love to each other. I could share stories of sweet moments that make everything worthwhile. I could tell you how motherhood is such a joy and how I savor each moment with my kids, but the truth is, they drive me bonkers so much of the time. I think it’s great that some people find their greatest happiness in their role as mother. If we’re talking about the big picture, then I think I could put myself into that category, but, I don’t live in the big picture. I live in a teeny-tiny picture. And, on a day to day basis… being a mom is a huge sacrifice.
Does that make me sound awful?
Well, if it does, then I’m awful. Motherhood is truly a refiner’s fire for me. My character flaws are on constant parade before my eyes. I struggle to just be nice to my kids on some days. Many days.
I sometimes feel like the world is leaving me behind. I feel downright jealous that there are “mom photographers” that seem to be able to have it all and manage just fine. And, I mean like, real, eat at my gut jealousy. I miss that world so much. But, I am at peace with my choice.
I miss freedom! I look forward to alone time like a kid looks forward to Christmas. I miss being selfish with my time and energy. It’s hard when there are little boys demanding my attention at all hours of the day. It’s even irritating sometimes….much of the time.
And while I wouldn’t change one single thing about my life now, there are some things that I have to do in order to maintain sanity. There are a few things I need to do to keep myself happy and able to give these three boys a mother worthy and ready to raise their sweet little souls.
So, what I came up with is:
I create. I am still. I go outside.
And Shannon was right, a daily dose of Mountain Dew helps too.
10 comments
I love it! When you put it like that, I feel the exact same way, although, I don’t think I would recognize ’still’ if it slapped me upside the face and gave me a noogie
I need to work on that. My garden (especially playing with my roto-tiller!) is my joy, and I am a better person if I get to “make” something at least once a week 
I don’t think there is an honest mother alive that doesn’t struggle with those feelings. To have experienced such creative bliss and external satisfaction through your work, and then to walk away for three adorable little booger-munchers, that is true sacrifice. My job was good, but not nearly as fulfilling, so when I had Zerin, I was excited for the chance to try my hand and heart at something new. It was still HARD adjusting to ‘non-working’ life, but I had very little holding me back. I am sure I would have had very different feelings and a much harder time making my decision had I been in your shoes, and who’s to say if I could have had the guts and strength to do what you did, so kudos
It just shows you how tailor-made our experiences are for each of us and what we need to grow. You’re amazing…
I have those days too and I only have one! I can imagine multiplying that by 3 and I’d have LOTS of those days. I have to try and make something work with the photography because I don’t just have until she’s in school and then more free time. Homeschooling is a forever thing. While I wouldn’t trade that decision for anything (especially since we’re probably headed to FL for a couple of years) there are still MANY days where I think of all I could get done if she were in school. :^)
One of those things I’m sure you’re grateful for because if she were in school I’d be beating down your door begging you to teach me everything you know about how to shoot. I’m still thinking about doing just that anyway! No, not really…but I’d love it if I could.
We missed you at the photoshop class on Tuesday. I was excited when Mark said you’d be coming and sad when you couldn’t make it. By the way…do you know of any killer places to shoot in Florida?
I’ve been thinking about this so much lately. It is a sacrifice and it’s so intense. If I had your talent, it would be really hard for me to walk away from it too. I guess there were other things that were hard for me to put aside. But nobody has it all. Something’s gotta give somewhere, right? That’s what I tell myself
this is why I love you. Brutal honesty. I’m with you sister. I still introduce myself as “I worked in Marketing for 10 years” as if being a mom isn’t enough. I love being home but yearn for stimulating brain work. I wouldn’t give up the cuddles or even the phone call from my oldest “mom I’m sick” and I’m there in 3 minutes. I hear ya. And I agree whole heartily. I need: Service. Interesting People (can be kids, but prefer adults). Order to my day.
You are not awful. Not even close to awful. You are real. And you haven’t lost yourself. Which I know happens to a lot of moms, when you become a mom. They loose who they were before giving birth. So in my opinion, the fact that you didn’t automatically answer with your kids, is incredible. We have to be someone, before we can be someone’s mom. And even when we are someone’s mom, they need us to be someone and something, not just their mom. As scary as it is, they watch and learn from everything that we do. So if we don’t take care of ourselves, how do we take care of them? And do we want them to grow up not learning how to take time for themselves? It is ok. Actually, it is better for everyone involved when We Moms take a minute, or a weekend away for ourselves. You have accomplished more than A LOT of people do in their entire lives. So this “being stuck at home with the kids all day thing”, it’s just a stepping stone. Before we know it, these “booger-munchers” are going to be doing their own things, driving themselves around, not “needing” us as much as they do now. And then what? What do we do with our time when they don’t need so much of our time? Those moms that have lost themselves, don’t know what to do with themselves. But moms like you are still dreaming, doing, creating, growing, opening adorable cafes, moving forward. And I know that that is what you will be doing, and will be inspiring me to do the same.
Your not awful, your awesome. I love how you are able to put things into words. It is nice to hear someone as neat and amazing as you has feelings I do.
I totally agree with Erin! Well said!
I think that you’re a better Mom because you have things that are “you” — Erin is right, you haven’t lost yourself. And probably most of the photographer moms would admit that something always gets neglected, whether it be the business, or their kids, or their spouse, or their housework. Most of the time, all of those things get neglected within the course of a day. No one can have it all, usually they just end up being “okay” at everything they do.
And in the eternal perspective, there truly is nothing more important than what you’ve chosen. In many ways, because you chose to sacrifice, you are closer to where you need to be than those of us who are still delusional about our ability to do it all. Even when you yell. Which, if anyone can figure out how to get boys to listen without yelling, please tell me because I haven’t figured it out yet.
Your boys will be forever grateful for the sacrifice you made, whether or not they understand their gratitude when they’re young
This is good. It is good to read. Good to think about.
Diet Coke works better for me, and it is not a dose, it’s more like a chain. A chain smoker kind of chain.
I’ll be honest with ya(I think you once wrote a post about that phrase), when I heard that you had turned over your photography business to Kelly D, I was surprised but I caught a glimpse of who you were and where you were coming from, sacrifcing and all.
I am one of those people who struggle with expressing my feelings, emotions, especially to my older children(the younger ones, it’s easy?!). I also am consistently feeling guilty because I am a selfish mom. I could spend all day working on my projects and just let my children raise themselves. But that’s not a good thing so I then have to pray to remember why I love them. That sounds awful when I say it. Ahg!
So, I appreciate your honesty. You’re definitely not alone.
Leave a Comment